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there is something i want to learn. i want to learn it bad enough that i'm willing to jump through a few hurdles to get there. but a thought occurs to me. why do i want this so bad. Granted when i was a freshman in college and first learned about this i wanted to learn it but was told that is for more advanced fighters. so i learned the basics until they wouldn't teach me anymore. when i returned my senior year of college i know the teacher but he didn't think i should learn it. i didn't want to make him mad so i dropped the issue...for now.

this leads me to the question of do i want to learn this so badly now because it was my orignial goal when i started as a freshman or if it is because i want to prove to someone that i can learn and be good at it. sigh. it is probably a bit of both. i guess i just don't like the implication that i'm not strong even or good enough to learn something.

i've always subscribed to the belief that anyone can learn anything. you just need to find someone or someway to learn it in a way you can understand.

when i was in high school my swim coach gave up on teaching me how to flip turn under water. my friend who was also on the team decided to take matters into his own hands. he grabbed me and after advising that i hold my breath picked me up and forced my body to flip. he did this repeatedly until my body had learned the muscle memory to do it without being forced. my coach was never so surprized as when she found out i could flip turn.

of course this could just me being narasstic. and thinking too much again. it just helps to get my thouhts out sometimes even if i am self centered sometimes.

things on my mind

so here i am again with plenty of things on my mind that i just need to get out. i picked this journal for this because i feel i can be more open and while i like it when my friends comment sadly i know only one friend, ok two at most will be able to read it here. ok that probably didn't make sense. not many people read my thoughts anyway. sigh ok moving on.

so at work today i was told that starting on July 1st i am being transferred to another store because the owner of the wendy's i work at is closing us down. why. because that is the day the university decreed we would no longer be able to accept student cards as a form of payment. so now i'm probably looking at less hours in a store i'm not familar with. sigh. dang it.

i'm not making much progress in rapier right now either. the more i try to practice and apply what i've been told...the worse i'm getting. sigh. i should have known this would happen eventually. it happened when i was bowling. even a member of my group told me i'll get worse before i get better. i'm just afraid my group will give up on me if i don't get better...or that they will think i'm not trying my hardest or being serious about it. i know i'm probably over reacting but dang it. sigh.

my crush isn't getting any better either. sigh. crushes are so cruel. all i want is to be closer to him but i don't know how. i'm postive he doesn't like me in the way i like him but my heart doesn't care. i wish i could be his....sigh...dang it. some of my friends have said that i should try but i don't know how.

i shouldn't be blogging while i'm tired so i'm signing off now.
i'm applying for an apartment of my own. wow. this makes me nervous because i would really like it. right now a lot of things are up in the air for me right now. i've applied at many different places for a second job. i'm getting ready to apply for graduate school. nothing is set in stone. i don't really like being in this kind of limbo.

i found out last night that i missed a chance to see my friends motorcycle while i was dropping off application. though i was told he was sure i would see it this summer i was like dang it. i have always liked motorcycles and up till i started hearing about all the people who died instantly in a motorcycle crash i was planning on getting my lience. there are a couple members of my extended family that have motorcycles but most of them had to sell theirs. they all have harleys. i would want a ninja. small and sleek. my aunt told me a ninja would not be a good starting bike and i would do better with a harley. oh well. at least i finally found a leather jacket :).

bit of a rant

i was at gaming night last night and this is where this started. all people wanted to do is complain. that is not completely fair. it was mainly one person who is always complaining about something. everything was getting complained about. now granted my math skills suck and though it was explained to me it takes a while for me to grasp certain things. i don't mind at all the way the game is played. i just occasionally ask for the things the DM says to be dumbed down a bit for me. so i know for example if my fire ball managed to hit some of the bad guys. if they don't enjoy the way the game is played then why come. sigh.
Then i get to work today and all everyone wants to do is complain. This bit one of my coworker though. she was getting behind on sandwhiches and didn't ask for help or anything and was removed from sandwhiches and replaced with another of my co workers. then between me and her we got the job done. complaining doesn't get anything done. "there ain't no use in complaining when you've got a job to do"-summer of 69. sigh.

So many choices

So a lot of ideas have been thrown around lately. Mostly through conversations with my friends. I've been worried about my student loans which soon will become due for me to start repayment on. Some of my friends are sure that i can get a deferment so i won't have to worry about them while i'm so broke but others have a different idea.
the idea was thrown out that i should go to graduate school. That way i might be able to defer my loans and get a degree that will let me do what it is i wanted to do to begin with. one of my bosses thinks i would be suited to teaching english at the college level. though he told me i would need to teach high level classes because i think too high for freshmen. yey for a ba in philosophy...if nothing else i can think.
just minutes ago i requested information about graduate school from an online college. it was one of the only online schools that offers a ma in english online. my friends think i should go to eastern michagan university (emu). i looked it up but i need 2 letters of recommendation. granted i could probably find people who would do that for me i'm not sure who to ask.
believe it or not one of the things that get brought up is if i can get around my loans for a while or at least be ready for them then i need to go to pennsic. now don't get me wrong i would love to go to pennsic. the issue of course is taking the week off of work to go to pennsic. though i might be able to work something out so i could still go. i have until june to decide. i want to go. it is all i've heard about since i joined the sca. i still might find the way.

My Forever

In the book "The Truth about Forever" the phrase this is my forever is used a couple of times. I like this phrase. My life is my forever and this book makes one think about how if this is my forever how to i want to spend it.

Lately i've spent more time with my SCA friends than i've ever spent with friends ever in my life. It is so great. We watch movies, play games, hang out, eat, sometimes sleep, drink, and just in general have a good time. It is so amazing. oh and did i mention we fight with steel blades :). dispite the fact that i'm flat broke to the point i can't afford to spend the twenty dollars to get my hair cut i'm very happy. I'm learning something i've always wanted to learn, I'm hanging out with amazing people who like the things that i like, and get to live on my own for real for the first time ever. wow.

I'm learning how to sew. i've already completed my first project which was some rapier armor...a jacket. It passed the test and inspection so i get to wear it to fight. who would have thought that i could ever do something like that. wow. This time is my life is simply amazing. wow. and soon i will have my own sword.

I'm already making plans to camp with my friends and go places with them where i will learn more about the things that i like to do already.

If this is my forever then i want to live it my way with my friends.

losing my best guy friend

Well it is offical Zack has quit my bowling team. we only have like seven more weeks of it. What started this it was probably my reaction to his blog on myspace about how he couldn't trust anyone not even me and how i didn't get him what he wanted for christmas so i'm not trustworthy. This really hurt and needless to say killed my post fight high. I was crying by the end of the blog and my change in status was caught by one of my friends who started chatting with me to see what was up. She made me feel better and i stopped crying. Then this morning i saw he had posted a blog saying that he didn't mean it the way it came out and that he was sorry and was going to isolate himself this weekend to not do anything like that this weekend. I messaged him saying that it was bowling weekend and if he trusted me to pick him up i was going to be later than usual because i was coming straight from work. To which he replied "I quit". ouch. This prompted me to IM one of my roommates who is my friend and talk to her about it. she made me feel better but that once again hurt.

the common consenous between the two people i talked to was that i should separate myself from zack completely. This is hard for me to do because he is/was my best guy friend. i could go to him for anything and talk to him about anything...literally. Nothing was so small that it wasn't worth talking about and nothing was too trivial or stupid. He was also who i would go to for a hug or a massage or anything like that. this will be the first time in a long time (since high school when my best guy friend was Vincent) that i will be without a guy best friend.

granted i hang out with guys but i'm not really close to any of them. they are hard to get to know. and they don't seem very curious about me so i guess i'll just have to rely on my girl friends now...wow it has been a while since i really had female friends...but nice.


I have attempted to teach myself a new trick. Sewing. why one might ask. because it seems to be the best way to get a rapier jacket and more garb. The problem. I don't know how to use a sewing machine and really haven't done anything but light patch work before. But i didn't let that stop me.... I really like the rapier jacket one of my friends has and wanted to make one of my own. again the problem....there is no pattern for this jacket. i went with a different friend to the store to look at different patterns to see if we could find something close...we couldn't so in true Holly form and based off an idea i got form a friend. i bought some cheap fabric and then cut apart a form fitting shirt of mine to make the pattern and then hand sewed it. obivously i had to improvise a bit as a tee shirt and a jacket are not the same thing but i'm proud of my first attempt. It doesn't have sleeves but i think the design is close.

these are different pics of me wearing the jacket and showing how it opens up. obviously i will have to make things different and sew it better when i make the real thing. but i'm happy with this first attempt :)

New Years Eve

It makes me kinda sad to read on things like facebook that some of my friends are not feeling well. Tonight is a night that most people get to hang out with friends and just be happy and celebrate. People should be immune from sickness on holidays like this.

On a different note the UNO tournment just ended. I was on time so i didn't get spotted any points but i didn't win. not a big surprize. It went rather quickly this year. I won three hands though which is pretty good. This was probably my last UNO tournment. I hope to spend next news year with my friends.

on a more personal note this will be the first year in the last three years that i have no one to hug and kiss at midnight. while this is my fault it is going to make midnight be a little lonely.

Tommorrow i get to go to work and clean up the rooms after everyone else gets to party. The Mercer house is basically a dry house. There is no real drinking that takes place here. Everyone is basically always sober here. not saying that that is a bad thing.

by next week i should be in bowling green full time. That will be nice. i applied at toys r us today. i'm going to be applying at more places in the comming days. I just hope someone will hire me. if you are reading this then be well. be happy.

Dec. 30th, 2008

One of the greatest things in my opinion at least is back massages. I have Scoliosis and my spine is curved a forth of an in inward. i have friends with simular problems which causes them pain. i don't know if that is one reason my back often hurts after physical activity or whether my muscles just don't like my activities. I've been packing and moving the boxes by myself the last few days. this hurt my back but mom used our massager on my back and the pain has gone away. Rapier often makes my back really sore and often i have problem rotating my shoulders afterward. fortunatey a member of our group is really good at massages. Nothing feels as good as when you can barely move and then someone comes and with just a little manipulation of some muscles the pain goes away. then you can move again. that is one of the greatest feelings.



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